Set
Table with lots of craft material on it: scissors, craft knives, paper, washing-up liquid bottle etc. Workspace left free in the middle.
Props
On stage
A large piece of cardboard approximately 2' 6" square
Pencil and ruler
At the side of stage
Thick card approximately 2' square.
Thick card of approximately 2' square painted grey
Jam jar or similar of grey paint with brush.
Script
Presenter: Hello, Aunty Sue here again and today, girls and boys, I am going to show you how to make a beautiful old church. Won't that be lovely? And it's made entirely from bits and pieces that we all have just lying around the house so it won't take too many pennies from your pocket money. Isn't that lovely?
Looks around her and picks up a large piece of card.
First of all we need somewhere to put our church don't we? A big piece of card like this will do. This will form a base to keep it sturdy and allow your mummy to pick it up from the floor when she's running around with the Hoover.
Now an old church is usually made of stone but we can't build one of stone can we? So we are going to make it from card and we'll put some pebbles around the bottom to give the effect of stone. Won't that be lovely?
You'll need to make the church in two bits. The main part of the church and then the steeple. Then we'll put the two halves together.
To make the church you must get some thick card approximately 2 feet square.
Looks around for some card and obviously can't find it.
Oh dear. We appear to have mislaid the card. Would someone mind getting it for me?
Person in casual dress runs on with card and hands it to her.
Thank you. That's lovely. Now we have our card, children, we need to paint it grey to give the basic effect of stone. So you will need some grey paint. You will have to mix it but we have some here ready.
Looks for paint that isn't there.
(In louder, strained voice) We have some grey paint here already.
Pause.
(In singsong voice) Haven't we? Oh yes, here it comes now.
Person hands her jam jar or similar of grey paint.
(No singsong in voice. Very clipped) Thank you.
Starts to paint the card with the grey paint. Singsong returns.
Now, children, we paint this on quite thinly because later we are going to draw on lines to give the effect of the stones and windows. Won't that look lovely? Of course, I haven't got time to wait for this to dry, have I? So for our church I'm going to use a piece I painted earlier.
Looks for grey painted card.
(Out of the side of her mouth. Getting angry) So where's the grey card?
Pause for 'reply'.
I don't know where the card is. I've never seen the card.
Pause for 'reply'.
Yes, I know I say that I've done it earlier but I don't actually do it. I have far better things to do than paint some scrappy bit of card a mucky grey colour. I'm a TV personality, not a painter and decorator.
Person hands her a painted bit of card.
At last.
(Singsong voice returns) Now what you have to do, children, is cut this piece of card in two. Draw a line roughly one third of the way across from one edge to the other.
She does this with pencil and ruler.
And then cut it into two. Just like I did earlier with this one.
Looks for 2 card pieces. Waves her hands about.
(Very angry) So where are the two smaller pieces? Are you all incapable of getting pieces of card? It's hardly difficult is it? Whose job was it to get all of this ready today? I want them fired. Now! I can't work like this. I'm a professional, I need a quality team around me not you, you ill-prepared useless lumps of playdough!
Pulls herself together in exaggerated fashion. Sing-song voice returns.
Well, children. It looks as if we're going to run out of time to make our little church today. We have got some silly ninnies working for us haven't we? But I will be back next week with some more ideas of things you can do in your spare time and stop you from getting under mammy's feet. Won't that be lovely?
Bye bye de bye children. Bye bye.
Exits with a wave.