The interviewer and (with adjustment to the name) the interviewee can be played by either sex.
Props: several large books, a phial and an ominous looking black box.
Interviewer
I'm very privileged to be talking today on Premium Radio to a man who needs no introduction, the Director of the Cast Your Nets School for Mission, Oswald P. Oswald …
Oswald
Oswald O. Oswald.
Interviewer
I'm sorry.
Oswald
The O stands for Oleaginous. Not many people know that.
Interviewer
Oswald O. Oswald. How long have you been interested in mission?
Oswald
Oh, from very early days, when my brother held me out by the legs from a second floor window, and said he'd drop me if I didn't believe in Jesus.
Interviewer
I must say, you've brought an extensive collection of your methods.
Oswald
This is my pride and joy. The 39 volume Comprehensive Manual for World Conversion .
Interviewer
Let's have a look at some of the titles. The Bogged-down book of Big Meetings, Outreach with Oswald, Fortunes for Fishermen,
Oswald
A snip at £4,000.
Interviewer
Some of your tools have caused controversy because it's claimed they don't work.
Oswald (sadly)
I'm afraid I'm ahead of my time.
Interviewer
Has anyone had success with these manuals?
Oswald
Not that I know of.
Interviewer
Why do you have the urge to write these books?
Oswald
I suppose it's a deep feeling of compassion for the lost. The lost bank balance. There's nothing more tragic than an overdraft.
Interviewer
Let's move on.
Oswald
From my scientific library – 99 godly bottles of scent. Each one scientifically designed to disarm the defences of different kinds of people. Rose for the rosy, banana for the bananas, and peppermint for those taken that way.
Interviewer
There's a classical simplicity about the approach. Try one on me.
Oswald
I think it's prune essence for you.
Interviewer (sniffs)
Revolting! It doesn't put me in the mood for anything!
Oswald
It's a hit and miss affair. But then I've only been training for twenty odd years in their use. Twenty very odd years. A fully qualified Top Nostril studies for thirty.
Interviewer
These scents haven't brought anyone to faith either?
Oswald
No.
Interviewer
Then they've been a complete failure.
Oswald
My potions have been a miserable failure. But I try not to internalise it.
Interviewer
Have you had any other ideas?
Oswald
I've had great success with my next product.
Interviewer
What's that?
Oswald
The Torture Toolkit. Very good initial results, sadly lacking in long term disciples unless regularly applied. But promising so long as the subject remains in captivity.
Interviewer
Smacks of the Inquisition!
Oswald
The soul has a right to be saved, even if the body is reluctant.
Interviewer
Oswald, have any of your tools ever resulted in someone becoming a Christian of their own free will?
Oswald
No. But I've been studying nothing else all my life.
Interviewer
Oswald, it's good you're still trying to fish when so many give up.
Oswald
Thank you.
Interviewer
But maybe you're fishing on the wrong side of the boat. If you prayed and listened to Jesus, he would show you where to fish more profitably. Where are you going?
Oswald
You've just given me an idea for another book – Cast your nets on the other side by Oswald O. Oswald. Just wait till I tell my accountant.
Interviewer
Thank you, Oswald O. Oswald.