Bible story: The gravedigger's tale

Local man sitting in pub the night after Lazarus had been raised from the dead… he's the pub character!  The usual one sitting telling all the tall stories.  Once again, he's sitting with a pint (or orange juice!) in hand telling them all about his day…

'You think that was good?!  Let me tell you where I was yesterday.  And you'll not believe this, even if you saw it yourself … in fact I'm not sure I believe it.  AND I WAS THERE!  It all happened right in front of my eyes …

'I was on my way home from the grave-space … oi, listen to this, you'll love it … it's not a scary Halloween story or anything … I'd been helping Jimbo move a couple of rocks to open up a couple of caves for a burial.  Big family tombs and his usual help wasn't about, so I was helping him.

'We had just finished when this crowd of people came over the hill … loads of them.  The usual stuff ... crying, wailing, moaning, men and women.  I said to Jimbo, "I thought these tombs we're opening up were for tomorrow, not today? Did you get it wrong, you big plonker?"

'He looked at me, "Eh, no… Tell you what though, that's not the family who was talking to me yesterday … that's Lazarus's family back again."

'"What are they doing back?" I asked him.  "Sure, he's been gone for days!"

'Well … we watched them as they got closer and wondered what they wanted.  They were all standing round one particular guy … I didn't remember seeing him at the funeral last time … and the sister started telling him, "If you'd been here this wouldn't have happened … " stuff like that.

'I was thinking, "Love, you're mad," as I was watching.  But then the weirdest thing happened … Listen to this …

'The bloke I'd never seen before – yes – the one they were all crowding round, he pointed at me and Jimbo, and then at the tomb Lazarus was in and said, "Remove the stone."

Like – NO.

'We just looked at each other and kinda giggled to ourselves.  Thinking, "No flippin way!"

'But he just looked at us, and I knew he wasn't joking.  He was real intense – like in a BIG intense way.

'So I shouted back, "Mate, he's been in there for a few days now and, well, no offence or anything, but it's gonna stink in there.  You do not want to go in, believe me."

'He looked at me again, and said, "Remove the stone."

I shrugged my shoulders and thought, "Aw well, better do it."  So we did.

'But this guy didn't want to go in.  He stood outside and shouted … "Lazarus.  Come out."

'Seriously mate, I nearly died on the spot.  I thought, "This is cruel.  Leave the poor family alone… they've been through enough.  Just let it be …"

'Then … then there was a scuffle from inside … the sound of movement, and 30 seconds after I thought I was about to die the first time, came the thing that made me think I'd have a heart attack and die again!

'HE CAME OUT!

'Seriously.  Funeral swabs and everything still on him.  He walked out of the tomb.  "This is it," I thought, "now I've seen everything!"

'The bloke told me to remove the bandages … I'm like, NO.  So, a couple of the family did it.  And it was him alright.  Lazarus.  Standing there, smiling, amazed, happy, thankful and grateful.

'I promise you.  I've never seen anything like it in my life.  Just wait till the news people get hold of it … that bloke will find his face on every paper in town!'