SCRIPT:
The two seeds can start off in dustbins, if the practicalities can be managed. In any case they wear dull blue or grey raincoats and hats. Bud wears a bright colourful jumper underneath and needs a flower bud - fake or real as a prop. Bud's ascent can be mimed or performed using a stepladder.
They are cold and glum.
BUD: [Chin on fist. Rattles next door bin.] Nip? [urgent] Nip?!
NIP: [Starting to emerge exasperated] What now?
BUD: Do you think there's anything up there?
NIP: Up where?
BUD: Up there.
NIP: [incredulous] Above the soil?!
BUD: Yeah.
NIP: [pause, reaching top] Naarrgghh. Load of old compost
BUD: It's so cold and close and dark down here. Sometimes I think there's a whole world up there, waiting to be discovered.
NIP: You been drinking fertiliser?
BUD: There must be more to life than this...
NIP: You have been drinking fertiliser!
BUD: I dream there's someone who planted us in the soil and one day we'll grow and blossom above the earth, with lovely blooms -
NIP: Bloomin' stupid. Wish I had your faith.
BUD: [sad] I just feel down here...
NIP: Name me one person who left their shell and came back.
BUD: I'm slowly...
NIP: Paid a lot of money for this roof.
BUD: Dying...
NIP: A nice drink of water and I'd be completely and utterly happy.
BUD: Drink... [pause] where does water come from?
NIP: Dunno. Ask a worm.
BUD: How do they know?
NIP: Travel about a bit. Pop up in the air and great big flapping things bite their heads off - [realises he's made a mistake]
BUD: So there is an up there!
NIP: [trying to find a way out] Can't believe everything worms tell you...
BUD: I'm going to find out! I'm leaving!
NIP: Taken leave of your senses?
BUD: [pulling out a bud] These must be for something.
NIP: Mark my words, you'll catch it!
BUD: I stay here and die, or I take my chances up there...
NIP: Don't do it! [pause] I'll be lonely.
BUD: I'll tell you what I find. Then you can come too! [feeling change, begins to undo coat to reveal bright colourful jumper] Ooh!... ooh... argh... OOH!... argh... ooh... [the famous football song:] Ere we grow -
NIP: - Ere we grow? -
BUD: - Ere we grow. [breathless] Getting warmer. [starts to remove coat to reveal more of the bright jumper underneath] Push my way through the soil. [rubs eyes] Nasty stones! It's getting brighter! [shouts] Oh, NIP! It's BEAUTIFUL!
NIP: Oh yeah, sure... [feigns disinterest]
BUD: Everything's in colour! Lots of other flowers. NIP, IT'S WONDERFUL!
NIP: [to audience] These new converts, all the same.
BUD: [awe] There's someone up here. Must be the gardener. He's coming over to see me. He's ever so pleased. Now he's looking for you. He's wondering when you're going to come up?
[BUD looks at NIP. Then both raise eyes to imaginary gardener above. Hold. End.]
Author's note:
Over 20 years ago, someone told me a little about a sketch they had seen - the idea and final speech of this sketch. I've never seen that original sketch on stage or published, but it deserves a wider audience. I apologise to the author for adding my own script, and if he or she reads this, do come forward with the original!
Email Robin Chapman, the author of this sketch, with feedback.